My dad

Fathers Day 2012

So, a little over a year ago, my mom & I started noticing my dad forgetting things. Little things, but things you wouldn't think he could forget. We were at a hotel having breakfast, and my dad looks at my mom & asks her how she takes her coffee. Keep in mind, he's been bringing her coffee in bed for 33 years! He would forget that he had been somewhere, or have trouble getting somewhere. It was just out of character for him. So, in November, he went to a geriatric specialist, and after a series of tests, it was determined that he was in the early stages of Alzheimer's.

It was a heartbreaking blow. Deep down, we kind of suspected it, but we were hoping for it to be something else. Anything else. Not him. He's so smart. He's extremely well educated. Surely, this can't happen to my dad. You mean to tell me he will forget me? God, that's almost too cruel. He won't remember how much he loves me? No, God, say it isn't so. What about my boys? Won't this hurt them? God, please, let there be another way.

The doctor said in 6 months his memory would be much worse. But, he started taking medicine, and we found it to be extremely helpful. Of course, there are lapses in memory, and he occasionally said the wrong things, but if you didn't know him, you wouldn't know he had alzheimer's.

In April, he was playing tennis, and almost passed out. He couldn't catch his breath & started wheezing. He was put in the hospital. (1st time ever being admitted to the hospital) The hospital stay was terrible. He was extremely confused. He thought he was being kept there against his will, he was determined to leave, not cooperative-it was just awful. There is no other way to explain it. Eventually it was determined that he has emphysema with acute exacerbations of COPD. (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). Again, he was given medicine, and it seemed to be working. Once we got him home, he was back to "normal", and he & my mom agreed that they didn't ever want him going back to the hospital.

On Tuesday, my dad went out to get the newspaper. He only made it to the garage before turning around & telling my mom to call 911. By the time the ambulance arrived, he was sweating profusely & barely able to breathe at all. My mom was convinced she was watching him take his last breaths. So, back to the hospital they went. What are you going to do? You can't let him struggle to breathe.

This hospital stay has been a touch better. He is thinking more clearly. However, this morning, before my mom had arrived, he had pulled out his IV & taken off all monitors. He said he would have left the hospital, but he didn't have his wallet or his shoes. This afternoon, they met with a pulmonologist who gave my mom some less than ideal news: My dads lungs are extremely damaged, and he is at the end of his life. They will give him medicine to make him comfortable, but that is about it. Hospice will come to the house once they release him from the hospital. The doctor didn't offer a life expectancy, and my mom didn't want to ask.

Now, I know that we all die, and I know that my dad is going to heaven, and I even know that, in a crazy way, it is a relief that he won't suffer from the later stages of alzheimer's. But, man, it hurts. I have such beautiful memories of me & my dad. So much laughter, so much dancing, so much love, so much happiness. He is the first man that ever loved me, and the first man I ever loved. He was the first man to ever tell me I was beautiful, and that I was a gift from God. It has always been easy for me to accept the love of my Heavenly Father, because I had an earthly father (& mother) who always made me feel I was worth dying for. It doesn't seem possible that he could die. He's a marine. He's a fighter. This.can.not.be.happening. But, it is.

My heart is so broken tonight. I beg you to pray. Please pray that he doesn't suffer. Please pray that he will live long enough to go on the trip he has planned with my mom at the end of June. Please pray for Kirkland, Charlie & Philip. We see my dad almost every day, it will be so hard for them. Please pray for my mom. Her load is heavy right now.

The verse I am clinging to is Matthew 11:28. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Oh Lord, I am definitely burdened.